S will always make me laugh. the other day she was having D burp her, just like Mommy was doing to the baby, and then she grabbed his shirt and started to lift it up so she could get some milk. “Milk daddy?” and because we were laughing so hard she did it over and over again.
all will be well September 14, 2009
As each day goes by I’m feeling better and more optimistic. This certainly isn’t the end of the world. It just came as a bit of a shock. And I was angry and scared and really really confused as to how I could be so clueless.
don’t worry. Life goes on and I just need to make a few minor adjustments as to how I live it.
I’m not trying to be mysterious I’m just working my way up to dealing with it.
a long road September 11, 2009
my life has changed. Yesterday it suddently and completely changed. Not because of the new baby, but because everything I thought I knew I didn’t really. It’s going to be a long road and the most I can hope for is that I reach the end in one piece.
Twilight December 1, 2008
Yes I read the books…and loved them! And I’m not ashamed of it dammit! I guess I qualify as the “Mom” in their marketing plan to attract teenage girls and their Moms. I went and saw the movie today and was definitely one of the oldest there. I just seem to have a weird affection for any show vampire, Buffy, Angel, True Blood… I think it just taps into my “girl in love with dangerous boy” fantasy (who doesn’t have that) but I know the cold hard reality of it, what you really end up with, 90% of the time, is a male version of yourself, and how dangerous are you? And for that matter how, sexy, mysterious, and “in eternal love” do you look right now splayed out on the couch in your lounge clothes that make you look more like a wookie than a woman…
translate December 1, 2008
My lovely daughter has a new saying I can’t seem to figure out. It comes up when she wants me to pick her up or when she’s mad at me because I took something away from her and I swear it sounds just like “I kill you”
ummmm…scary!
but to be honest sometimes it also sounds like she is saying “I kid you” which sits much better on the palate…who doesn’t love a good joke?
Pets…they need love too!… September 9, 2008
But man oh man I am not getting anymore for a long long time. Currently we have another cat that is dying – our sweet old “basement dweller” Iko. They think she has cancer, but only the ultrasound will prove it. She is a skeleton, no fat on her at all. We have been spending our last few days just staring at her expecting her to take he last breath at any second. it’s work trying to get her to eat. So now we are facing that tough decision…when do we say enough is enough and end her suffering? I can’t bare to go through it all again – making the appointment, waiting for the scheduled time, packing her up into the car and driving her to her “doctor” to be, well, killed. Friends of ours just lost their beautiful golden retriever to cancer this morning. I have been sitting at my desk bawling over the email they sent announcing that he went peacefully in his sleep (my coworker loving yelled over ot me “Pull it together Ctale!). When I woke this morning I was hoping sooooooo much, that we would find Iko curled up in her favorite sleeping spot, permanently asleep, but she is still holding on. We need to get the ultrasound I guess, pay $300 to tell us that she in fact is going to die any second. It’s this horrible dilemma. It’s clear she is at the end, but do we pay $300 to know that for sure? I think we may have to. Or do I ignore the recommended ultrasound to know for sure and go with their best guess that she has lymphoma and have them put her to sleep. Won’t they think we are horrible people? She’s 16, but I don’t know…how do we do that? I can’t walk in there and say we can’t afford to pay for the ultrasound (which we can’t). We spent $2000 on my cat, Egg. All for them to tell me he had a tumor in his throat suffocating him, and there was nothign they could do. Do I learn from my lesson with him and save money, or do I spend money to know for sure what we already know? Someone smartly suggested that we call the vet and ask “If we get the ultrasound and it’s not cancer then what do we do? what is wrong?” She has these small pea shaped bumps all over her head and a growth that seems to be in her nose…it’s not thyroid or kidneys…see? we are just at a loss as to what to do…somebody tell me what to do!!!
My brotherlinlaw had to tell his kids last night that their dog has cancer and that he will be leaving them soon. It’s everywhere. And I know that just because animals get sick and die, and have short lifespans. it doesn’t mean it should shut me off from ever wanting to add another pet to our family, but for now it does. We still have an ancient dog that has been failing rapidly and another cat, who is luckily young, fat, and thriving to go through all of this with again.
As they go, I’m am not going to replace them. I just won’t! Until some poor lost animal needs a home and I jsut can’t resisit that “I’d do anything for love” look in their eyes. dammit.
The Big Day July 31, 2008
It’s already been a week and a half since the day and it’s already fading fast in my mind….
It’s the night before the wedding and have just spent the whole day setting up the venue. We rented the space but had to do all the work. My plan was to keep the wedding low maintenance, but with the feel of a really good party. No one bothered to point out to me that this translated into “you do all the work, you stress yourself out with the details, and you have to buy everything yourself so…more money spent…oh and you will drive everyone around you crazy with the details you may or may not be paying too much or too little attention to”. You should have seen my bridesmaids, rolling umbrella tables nearly taller than them, down the hill to their final resting place behind the house in the shade. Those girls were almost flattened under those tables
Back at my sister’s house, they threw us a fantastic party (Hawaiian Theme) in which I was required to wear a grass skirt for the night. It was sweet, the food was great, the drinks better. It still really hadn’t sunk in until I was heading up to bed (I was going to sleep there for the night to try to uphold a smidge of tradition). I went over to give D a last kiss goodnight and to tell him I couldn’t wait to marry him in the morning. I was almost to him making that “awwwww – I love you” sound when he decided to wave me off with a “yeah yeah I know you love me”. Now the boy was drunk, and this was in front of his best man and my brother-in law, and maybe I could have let it go a little, but…. It’s so easy for him to mess up the important moments. I told him “thanks a lot” and headed for the stairs. as I slipped away I hear my brother-inlaw say “go after her!” which he did. He sputtered through an apology and an explanation to which I replied “you have to be better” I hugged him and kissed him goodnight a tiny bit deflated because I hoped for a moment but was left with, well, a let-down. It’s the night before the wedding – and I go to bed exhausted, excited, and sad.
It’s morning and I didn’t sleep well. There isn’t a clock in my room, but I think it’s early. It’s not though. We only have an hour to get out of the house to meet J , my bridesmaid, for breakfast and then off to ‘hair”. Breakfast is delicious. I actually managed to eat. My hair is done and looks exactly like I wanted. We head to the hotel and watch a bit of television (none of us have cable) and become sucked into a crap reality show and as you knew it would happen as soon as I typed it….reality show…time got a way from us and we had to race to get ready! In the elevator someone asked me if I was the bride. Of course I am. In the lobby people stared as we trotted through to get to the parking lot and into my car which has no AC. I drove. I was hot, and nervous, and hot. We picked up my mom and the kids and she drove us the rest of the way in her AC’d, thank god, car. I don’t remember what was playing on the radio as we drove to the wedding, I just remember the knot in my stomach and the sweat drying on my body. I screamed a little at one point and my Mom jumped. She told me to warn her the next time I did that, but you can’t really warn before you scream, it just bubbles out of you.
Hidden upstairs at the wedding site, I looked out the window and saw D in position waiting for me. he looked nervous. he looked really really hot.
I walked down the aisle to this
It’s one of our favorite bands. This song and video (you must watch it till the end) makes my stomach flip and tears come to my eyes, but I also feel happy. It just makes me emotional.
I held onto my Mom’s arm as we waited our turn to walk down the aisle. I looked at her and said “I love you. Don’t cry” and so she started to cry…I kept my eyes on D and tried to ignore the people staring at me. don’t fall don’t fall don’t fall.
The ceremony went so fast. D just kept saying to me “I’m hot. I’m hot”. Don’t pass out…Luckily he didn’t and we made it through and it was perfect.
The rest of the day went something like this.
Hi! It’s so great to see you!! Hold on I’ll be right back, I just need to go get this picture taken. Oh my god! Hi – you look great! Hold on I’ll be right back. I’ll be right back! I’ll be right back! The toast – amazing. I cried and almost did an impression of a certain British friend seeing a chipmunk for the first time. It would have killed. The food – I didn’t get any. The drinks – I always had one. Then I danced and danced danced danced danced danced. I danced for 3 hours straight and didn’t talk to anyone unless it was yelling over a synth beat, or guitar rift. I’m sorry for that. I wish I mingled more, but I think because I was the one who picked the dance music (with my friends help and suggestions) I always knew what song was coming next and just couldn’t miss it. I did miss a lot of other stuff though – drama, a girl was crying – I don’t know who. I hope she’s ok. Most people had fun, some got too drunk, some not enough. some hurt my feelings, some hurt others feelings. I’m sorry if I hurt yours. I was in another world! I should have talked with all of you more. but you know how it goes.
A highlight would be when My mother-inlaw walked me across the lawn saying “there is someone here to see you” (wasn’t everyone here to see me?) but I knew this must be the surprise that my friend chanted to me about as I peed in the bathroom of the hotel lobby. “I know something you don’t know”
Life Laundry! I screamed a bit too. She came! she was a bit famous at the wedding, her in all her English, garter wearing glory (D helped her off with her hose. oh yes he did)…so many of my friends have blogs and read hers. it must have felt surreal. I didn’t get to spend much time with her at the wedding, but we met for drinks and lunch a few days later. I told her she’s next and I better be invited. She says she is not going to get married, but she wears diamond engagement rings held in place with wedding bands on both hands she has inherited and bought for herself. I think she will.
The next morning hung over and exhausted, I’m married, and the year it took to plan this party is already in the distant past. But it was a kickass party. And I’m proud of that. And I’m happy and in love even when he “dorks out on sci-fi”
It’s been a week and a half now and life is completely back to normal, and nothing feels different. Our family may be a bit more complete and I can now stop calling him my “boyfriend”. But that’s about it. Truthfully…it feels good to say it “My husband…”
Dog pee on my head… May 23, 2008
How you ask? how could I possibly get dog pee on my head? From a dog that squats in the dirt and pees so much it pools around his feet and after all that pee has puddled around his toes, he then then chooses that moment to jump up and do a little leg kick no 15 year old greyhound should be able to do – and in that moment – all that pee puddled around his feet – yup it went flying up into the air, arced towards me, and rained down on my head. pitter patter pitter patter
This is why… May 18, 2008
I know I have been gone. I could use a million excuses as to why I don’t post anymore like these:
- My cat, Egg, died 3 weeks ago and it’s made me very very sad. They found a giant tumor in his throat which was starting to suffocate him. He lived 15 long years with me and so I miss him very much. I held him as they gave him the injection and everyday I see the image of the life behind his eyes fading away. I can’t get it out of my head.
- I’m planning my wedding. I’m a bit overwhelmed by it, because though I mean it to be simple and just like a big party, there are still so many details. For example it was a helpful website that informed me to get a wedding license – I totally would have forgotten to do that! I would have. I still need to do it along with, plan the bar, buy cups for the bar so I have enough for all my heavy drinker friends, finally decided on a dress, get D something to wear, flowers?, decorations, the wedding ceremony, gifts, favors, shoes, spanx to smooth my fat, wedding ring for D, ack the list goes on and on and on and it’s only 2 months away and the man I’m marrying does not have the same urgency as I do. So you all will be hearing from me the week before the wedding having a nervous breakdown and running around like a fool trying to get stuff done. Please talk me off the ledge when I call.
- I’m getting married – holy shit. I have the baby and the house and already feel like an old married couple but….Holy shit.
- money – I have none. I just spent $2000 for “them” to tell me my cat was dying and that I had to end it. $1600 to fix a car so it will pass inspection for one more year. $900 on my last oil bill. and so far about 8k on the wedding. I have no more money and it depresses me.
- Miss S – the love of my life. If I’m not at work I’m wrestling with her on the floor and trying to get her to stop climbing up her bookshelf like a ladder. Without her I am even so much more dull in person. With her on my hip I am immensely more pleasing to be around. She is amazing.
- D – he has been sick for a little bit now, sick from stress, and just sick. he has finally made the leap and started a new job, but like we all know, the grass is never completely greener. He needs to detox – his body is telling him so but he fight fight fights it. Hopefully a colonoscopy later will set him right
- D hogs the computer at night to play with his Facebook page and do whatever he does there. I cant get a email check in edgewise.
- I can’t blog at work since the fateful day my coworker found my blog and gave it to the owner of the company…remember that…a cautionary tale was born.
- When I do get a chance to steal the laptop away from my facebooking man, I’m searching for a wedding dress, cause though I have one already, I seem to want more.
- It’s spring, I should be out enjoying it, not sitting in front of the computer which i do all day anyway!
the real reason is that I’m just lazy. And I have nothing interesting to say. And I don’t want to be one of those people that blogs about nothing (like I am doing now). But mostly the reason is – after I get Miss S to sleep all I want to do is sit my butt on the couch and watch another episode of the gazillion TV shows I’m into…Lost, Battlestar, Angel (again), American Idol, Torchwood…I just want to sit and not think.
My big baby April 1, 2008
I tried to put a bib on D. We were at his family’s house for easter dinner, and in my defense he was sitting at the kids table, so helping to explain how I found myself standing in front of him with bib extended and ready to be velcroed around his neck. I remember looking at the bib I had poised and ready, then to his neck, then back to the bib and thinking “this isn’t going to fit”. And then it dawned on me why the bib wasn’t going to fit. I looked up at D’s face and I’m sure you can imagine the look.
help March 16, 2008
I need to do something creative and feel gratified by it…can someone please point me in the right direction because nothing – nothing – interests me right now and that’s making me sad.
This could be because I’m pmsing though I loathe to use as an excuse for anything, but it could be…it also could be because I am planning my wedding and there is nothing fun about it (and I probably feel this way because it makes me worry and stress about money more which I already do more than a girl in my situation needs to do – and that situation is…I have a home and food and a car and clothes so get over yourself – ignore the debt). It might also be because my days are consumed with the same schedule. A schedule built around my daughter. And though I love her more than anything . painfully so (seriously my heart actually hurts from it). Sometimes you just need a little bit of your old life back and right now I can’t seem to mentally tap back into that. I mean, she’s asleep from 7:30 pm on. How hard would it be to become a thoughtful, interesting person with something more to do than just watching past TV shows on DVD?
Apparently it’s pretty hard, because as I type this post I just remembered that I have to go over to the wedding “planner” website I’m using, to keep everything I need to do in one place, and update something. shit.
They make you into nags… March 3, 2008
You aren’t born a nag. You are slowly, over years of dating boys and men, turned into one. Contrary to belief, it is not the moment that you say “I do” that solidifies your newfound status of NAG, but the day you say “Yes” to the question. Before they were just your boyfriend, forget that the fact that you may already have children with them, but then once you are wearing the engagement ring – well they might as well just call it signed and sealed – you practically are married. In the ensuing months of wedding planning, bill paying, baby caring, more wedding planning, and endless amounts of bill paying, you suddenly morph out of that “happy in love” version of yourself into that “happy in love but I will kill you slowly and painfully if you do not complete these three tasks I am going to assign you in the next 3 minutes”.
It’s not a hormone thing. It’s nothing to do with any “changes” or “friends” visiting, it really truly is THEM that drive you to it. We don’t want to be! We hate as they just stare back at us like deer caught in headlights or as if they are just a teen learning all over again what it’s like to hate their nagging parents. We want to be looked at fondly and told without hesitation “I will definitely do these 3 task you are assigning me and because I love you so much I will do it in 2 minutes time not 3!”
Well here I am now – a nag. And I got a list a mile long why it’s not my fault (not completely my fault at the very least), but that’s the rub of it, they will always believe it’s just something we are born with.
That kind of Mom… December 19, 2007
After a couple of hours of Miss S sitting in a stroller as I waited in line after line to buy christmas presents, I found myself at the germ factory playground in the mall letting her work out some of that pent up energy and anger towards me. You definitely know you are over the “don’t touch my baby or even look at her if you are sick” stage when you sit your weary ass down on the comfy bench and watch your kid crawl all over the molded foam sea creatures with hands that, more often than not, are always in their mouth. Yeah – it is cute because I do love to see her interact with other kids and there were a few babies her age pushing each other over to get at the spinny thing in the wall. There was even a cute Dad there with his two kids doing the “I’m a cute dad” thing to spice it up for the rest of the weary mom’s.
The best part though, and the reason why I included this particular video with this post, is that my daughter loves to give “loves”, as we call it, to anything and everything. Basically she just puts her head on whatever she loves. Oh, there’s daddy’s computer…I’m going to give it Loves. And I love my pear chunk…I’m going to give it Loves too. It’s really super cute and I have noticed she hasn’t been doing it as much lately, but today she gave the motherload of all loves. As she was attempting to climb up this great big foam whale a little girl I guess to be around 6 years old, was trying to slide down the back of the whale. The little girl patted Miss S on her head and said “excuse me baby” as if Miss S would step aside. Instead of stepping aside though, my darling girl gave the biggest “loves” to that kids dirty naked foot. we left moments later and I wet-napped the crap out of Miss S’s face.
Need to be entertained?… December 15, 2007
Here’s a funny game D’s company made for the holidays….Sadly he is not one of the employee’s kicking the boss’ ass
