I finally met up with my ex-boyfriend for the first time since we brok up in November of 2004. Isn’t that crazy? If you really know me, or read any of my old blog (prior to me killing it) then you know we had a kind of rough relationship. We managed to break-up amicably enough, but there were always times he would creep back in a little (like when the girl he was dating was hit and killed by a drunk driver and he turned to me for support). But after all this time we have only actually seen each other either seated behind steering wheels or with glimpses of him on motorcycle - me on foot. We talk about once every 2-3 months to catch up and check in, but no actual meetings. Somehow we completely managed to avoid that “after brek-up” first meeting we all seem to do too soon after the break-up…you know the one…when bad things usually happen…like more fighting…or worse - sex.
On sunday I met the ex-boyfriend, T, so he could retrieve his kayak he has been storing in my Mom’s basement for the past 2 years. The last time I spoke to him before this meeting was to let him know I was pregnant. That conversation didn’t go so well - it went okay, but I think it definitely made things clear that there was no chance of reconciliation. Not that he was looking for it,but we had alwasy talked about how maybe some day we would find our way back to each other once we were both in a better place. Anyway, I met him at his apartment on sunday morning and at first sight of him I stuttered just a bit, but then we compared our shaking hands to see whose nerves had the best of them, and then moved on. Being in his apartment brought back so many old times and unfortunately so, stressful times. He lives in the same house but a different apartment now, and though we never hung out together there, with it filled with all of his stuff and familiar slobbiness, it felt like I had. After chatting for just a bit in his apartment we jumped in his car and headed to my mom’s house. I’m happy to report that it wasn’t uncomfortable either. Sure we stumbled here and there, but for the most part we talked and laughed. He definitely asked me a lot about the pregnancy and my relationship with D, but it never felt threatening or uncomfortable. I honestly think he was happy for me. And maybe, just maybe, seeing me showed him what it really looks like to move on. He wants a girlfriend…I know he wants to break out of his destructive lifestyle too. I just hope he realizes that finidng a girlfriend does not accomplish this. Only he can break that pattern. But he definitely, more than a lot of people I know, deserves to be happy.
After we pulled his kayak out of the basement we strapped it on the car, he stood in front of me and asked with a smile “can I touch your stomach?” When I nodded yes he extended one finger and gently poked my belly commenting only on how hard it felt. After that, on the car ride home, I would sneak looks at him and try to remember what it was really like to be with him. Would I have reached over and stroked the back of his neck or kiss him at stoplights like I do now with D? I don’t think so. I know I wasn’t the most affectionate with T, quite the opposite actually, so it really helped to not miss him so much in that moment ya know? I thought for sure I would cry when I saw him and really mourn for our lost relationship. I DID actually love the guy. But instead I felt mostly just a bit sad, a bit nostalgic, and certainly missed him, but there were no tears.
As we hugged goodbye back at his place, I drove away searching for my cell phone with one hand while trying to stay on the road with the other. I wanted to call D. I wasn’t driving away from my ex longing for anything else, just looking forward to seeing D later and working on our new house together. I actually was looking forward….for once in my freakin’ life. I never used to do that, but now, finally, I do. I love my life. I love D. And I love that we are having a baby together. It’s a whole new world for me and nothing brings that home more than a morning spent with your ex. God love em.
